VII of Swords

I read something somewhere that this rogue was getting away with a lot (five swords) but not the whole lot (7 swords.)

I am that rogue with @. I said I could honor boundaries, and then when the opportunity presented itself I crossed them. Right between the physical and emotional. Granted, I had a good push from him. When we were finally alone, I said, “come here.” I was just going to have him lean on me and I would hold him. Stillness. As long as I just held and breathing was my only movement, I figured I was still on the right side of the line. Then he started running his fingertips over my skin. I had been fine with just the holding, stealing the one sword, trying not to be greedy emotionally or physically. But damn, there was the next sword dangling there in front of my face. He was handing it to me with that movement across my skin. Keen edge shaving the fine hairs. So I took the next three swords: entwined fingers, rubbed noses, bodies aligned and pressed close.

I’m not a good sneak thief though. I turned myself in. Those last two swords—I really wanted them. The kiss and then all the rest of him would have followed, but I’m just not that roguish. Though like a Hollywood movie jewel thief, I left my token behind, a quick light, stolen kiss on the lips good-bye. Like this rogue’s red hat and boots, if you are going to be a rogue do it with style.

Hemoglobin

I developed this spread based on the molecular structure of Hemoglobin and Chlorophyll. I figured if I was looking for the meaning of life I might as well look to the chemicals that make it all possible. I could have used DNA but it doesn't render too well in 2D, and DNA doesn't do much if you stop breathing.

Rain Falls
Ground Blossoms
Clay Fired
Wind Blows

But it has a lot of cards.

So I decided I'd only use it once a year. Every New Years Day for the past several years I have made time to do this reading. I write it down and refer to it for the rest of the year. It generally keeps me focused and writing a lot, at least through the month of January.

Prince of Cups

From the Tarot of OZ
Prince of Cups

He may serve as a sign that we should explore our own ability to maintain long-term relationships.

I’ve doubted this ability in myself for quite a while. If ~ was more driven to so something we would have been done a long time ago I think. Then again if he were driven to do something then maybe we wouldn’t be having these problems. I really can’t tell anymore. I think I am done with crosses right now though. Forward.

Knight of Cups-Reversed

There's another thing that crosses me. The Knight of Cups-Reversed in his bad aspects never lose his charm. He's still cool as a mountain stream, but it's polluted. # reminded me of this. ~ can talk, and it all sounds so rational. Bad behaviors sound reasonable, average acceptable things get magnified into triumphs, questions get diverted, answers sound complete but a key point gets left out, problems are allocated to me beyond the level of my responsibility.

I'm a sucker for all of it. Such a sucker. This is a serious cross I need to be aware of. He did it to me the other night. He was questioning my love, as if I didn't really love him ever. Like it was just some self-absorbed, delusional game I was playing in my mind and he was the helpless victim of my manipulations.

Fuck that shit. You doubt my love for you, fine. Doubt it. That's your baggage. You can not make me doubt my heart and love anymore. I loved you. It was real and true. I maybe self-centered and delusional, but love is not a game for me. It's too important to me. The love I can give is too valuable.

Waltzing Arcana

Major Arcana were waltzing through my dreams last night. The Hierophant was there, posing as some pope. The Empress was dressed in Margaret Thatcher's skin, (I really don't know how my subconscious comes up with this stuff) and I think the Devil was an Islamic militant with two different colored eyes. I told him I liked his eyes. He thought I was making fun, or trying to be conciliatory. I tried to assure him I really did like his eyes.

I don't think Islamic militants are the Devil at all. But in the Southeast US it's hard not to hear that they are almost anywhere you walk.

Was me telling him I like his eyes my expression of sympathy for the Devil?

We make our own Devils. Fear, anger projected outward to someone. We are violent but we insist they are the terrorists.

I am searching for something I can say I like in the Devil. It removes fear. It quells anger.

Animal of Soul-Reversed

Animal of Soul-R
Knight of Cups
What crosses me.

I'm inclined to deal with court cards as aspects of myself, but in this case I can't say it doesn't represent ~. He crosses me in so many ways at the moment. All the worst aspects of that at the moment-rash, thoughtless, self-centered, or as the LWB says

Subtlety, Artifice, Trickery, Swindling, Fraud.

All of that he has done, and that double-crossing has taken a toll on me.

Searching through my books for various meanings, I know I have to turn this back on myself. ~ does. According to him I am the thoughtless, self-centered one.

Greer pg. 76 talks about Jung's concept of projection. Putting your inner qualities on another whether they have those qualities or not.

So am I the self-centered one or is he? How about both of us? There's no doubt that he is these things. We wouldn't be in this situation if it was merely me projecting on him.

Am I? He suggested that all the trying and reaching for him was false. I wish I could remember exactly what he said. Basically, I am playing some twisted game of love, not really being loving.

The rush of love, that crosses me every time, trips me up. That knightly energy. ~ has it in the thrill seeking. I'm not a thrill seeker, except for that rush that comes with a new relationship. My favorite drug. Is this playing at love? I get that far and I don't know how to deepen it to something beyond the rush. Like a cactus, give me enough water and I blossom. The rest of the time I am a prickly, rooted thing that fends off all but the most persistent.

There's a Rhino on the Origin's card. I feel like I've been trampled.

8 of Jewels and VIII of Pentangles

8 of Jewels
I really need to explore the thoughts and conceptions I have about work and money. There are some really bad crosscurrents going on up there. I really need to resolve a lot of them before I go job hunting. I was upset at being rejected over and over again last semester but there is probably a good cosmic reason for it. Those positions may have been extremely bad for my soul.

VIII of Pentangles
I switched from the Origins Deck to Waite for this card. The Waite image, it resonates with how I was raised. All the craftsmen around me as I grew. I am proud to be one of them. Working with my hands is a pleasure. A pleasure I have neglected much of late.

Then there is the craft of writing. A lot less visible most of the time but I have worked at it for so long, and it is a type of pleasure too.

Then there is the issue of money. I found out today that ~ has been borrowing money from friends at work to cover his spending. He blew $275 and another $70 he borrowed from people at work and maxed the credit card.

I haven't had much luck with money when others are involved. I need to go back to my budget. I need to make a budget for ~. He's upset with me because I don't trust him with cash. He thinks I don't care what happens to him now, that all I care about is the money.

I do care about what happens to him. I don't want to see him destroyed and shamed. I don't like seeing him this sad and hurt. The things I am doing now hopefully will prevent that.

8 of Jewels

...What covers me--8 of Jewels--8 of Pentangles.
It is the next card in both readings. The year cycle spread and the Celtic cross spread I did around The Source.

Work covers me. There is much to do, and there is much I can do to make my work easier...

...Work covers me. I have schoolwork that needs to be done. It is hard. I am so so close. 3 months. I just need to finish and finish well...

...Sacred space, what covers me. Light. The window room that I want. And one of my rugs in the center of the bamboo floor. Just me and my journal and the quiet woods and my retreat. Maybe a small space, maybe not too much bigger than the rug itself. I've come here to watch the sun set. It has gone down now. The moon is out. I've put pen and book to the side. I have a pillow and a blanket. I'm going to sleep on my carpet. The carpet, blanket, pillow, book and pen and me. Nothing more. That's where I am going to sleep tonight. Sweet Dreams, please?

XIV Temperance and the 8 of Soul

...My Temperance angel had the face of death, or was it the mask of a surgeon? Surgery has been performed.

The face-it was like the 8 of Soul. My called forth spirit...

...It is really remarkable how my dreams and the tarot have led me-warned me of this point. Putting all the pieces into place has been tough but seeing the images has made it easier. = thinks I'm into witchcraft because I wear black and if she knew about the tarot she'd really feel that. It would be her out in the end. Her son married a witch-literally. That's unfortunate...

XIV Temperance

...The ultimate Temperance; my need/desire to be loved by him has been so tempered with pain that what was iron is now steel. Steel, stronger and sharper. Maybe the words are not related; Temperance and Temper, but the smith plunges the metal into the water-steam-fog-water.

Child of Jewels Reversed and the Big House Dream

So a big house dream with looms. $ that is the work that you do. That is the craft that moves your soul and body. Go to the studio today. It is your place. Granted it has been taken over in large part by ~'s efforts at the flea market. That's OK. I can still get to my loom...

...Going back to my loom would be good for my body too. It's demanding physical work, that I love. Now with the ipod, I've got my music on hand, all of it. That is a studio dream.

The Dream. The big house wasn't mine. It was an older house I had admired for years, but never seen the inside of. The woman was cleaning it out to sell it. The place was a mess except for where the looms were and one elevated corner, like a small balcony at a church. 3 steps up, a white and maple railing around the 4'x5' platform. It looked out on a window. I saw that little space and my heart leapt. Writing corner.

There was also a children's room. Only one, small, decorated in reds and oranges and pinks. Asian exotic. More a den, a sacred hideaway than a bed room. In the dream I thought child's room, but now thinking myself it is the room I would have loved. Those colors were the same as the hideous shag carpet in my room in G.

What child things must I address? What grounds me? Child of Jewels-Reversed. I was making things even then. Craft kits were heaven to me. I was often disappointed by them. Didn't always follow through to completion. But doing them was fun.
There was one, a picture of an owl and a package of small sequins and a bottle of glue. The idea was to decorate the owl picture with the sequins. I spilled the package of sequins in my room, in that pink and orange shag carpet. I don't remember if I was upset by that. I did manage to decorate the owl a little I think. I do know that I was finding sequins in that rug for the rest of my time in that room. Little foil jewels, worthless and out of place. What to do with them? I don't know, didn't know then.

The stairs in the house were steep like the stairs up to our apartment in G. (% and I.) Going into the attic I was wondering how I was going to get anything into this house.

But that was all immaterial. I knew I couldn't afford it. This is temperance too. I feel so hopeless about our financial situation here. I'm not going to get a job making the big bucks to start. This bout with job hunting showed me that. No matter what my GPA, I'm older with gaps in my resume. In a couple of years the money may flow but not this year...

...I did a drawing of the room from the dream. It is nice to visualize it.

XIV Temperance or Art or The Source

So I'm looking at the Temperance card. The O in the center of the head I've learned is the symbol for the Sun. So water and light and you get the rainbow. Literarly the light in the head.
...

In Greer's Tarot for Yourself She has the alternate lable for Temperance--Art. XIV--14. * turns 14 next Tuesday. 14 is hardly the age of Temperance. He's not going to have it so I'm going to need it for the both of us.

From the Voyager description

see the disintergration in your life as a creative opportunity.

well I've been trying. That is a hard task.

Mixing in the right proportion.

--Greer

Some days I don't even know where to begin. In the Origin's deck it is called The Source.

Celtic Cross Spread
The Origins Deck

XIV The Source
8 of Jewels --Also appears in the physical position in the yearly cycle.
Animal of the Soul R
8 of Soul --Also appears reversed in the ecstasy position in the yearly cycle.
Child of Jewels R
4 of Nature R
10 of Blood --Also appears in the resources position in the yearly cycle.
Woman of Nature R --From this reading I noticed there are no Queens in the yearly cycle.
3 of Nature R
Child of Nature R --Also appears reversed in the Success position in the yearly cycle.
Death

I am approaching Temperance from the physical. I have to work at it. Watery nature tends to flow around and around--flood and recede. But I like work. Creating something really jazzes me up. Being a craftsman feels to good. I haven't been doing much of it lately. Dabbling here and there. But the school work, that feeds the need to use my mind.

Four court cards in one reading. Woman of Nature reversed in the self position. So obvious. I see myself as out of balance, water polluted. Thirsty.

I laid this reading out on my dresser to look at some more. Things are changing and the final outcome is going to occur and it is going to be a tough one (10 of Blood) in the near future and Death in the final outcome.

Pure comfort--what is comfortable, easy is not always a good thing.

XIV Temperance

Dreams of !, and I wake up and think Temperance is all well and good in my waking life but why can't I abandon it in my dreams, and get a chance to fuck the boy?

XIV Temperance

If you look into the fog you can see how dirty your eyeballs are. Things floating in the film over you lenses.

The sun was behind me. My shadow was framed in the surface of the water by a rainbow halo. Now the fog is burning off and the marsh is clearer. There is a black haze of some small water bird drifting in and out of the fog. Now it has found some haven where I can not spy on it.

The fog does battle with the sun. "I will linger. Reclaim my pond."
The sun says "I will show her her halo again-stronger and brighter."
The fog says it is its gift-water droplets so fine.
Light and Water.

So like the Temperance card, I am rainbow crowned. Just keep water in the air and light at my back and I can see how I might be an angel. But I have no desire to be an angel unless I can have water bird wings. I want to swim free. If there is Heaven as they like to say-paradise of music and wings-may my chorus be bullfrogs, peepers, crickets, loons, geese, slap of beaver tails. may I have wings of the Heron or Kingfisher or Dragonfly. Make them the brilliant feathers of the Mallard's head. Green, green, green, even in January.

XIV Temperance

I did my big tarot layout last night. I didn't delve into the connections or significance of the cards at all.
...
The focus card of the reading is Temperance. I think I will put her in here and meditate on her for my dreams. Looking at the card, maybe it is not a her. No boobs.

Water above (Rainbow)
Water in the middle (Cups)
Water Below (Stream)
Yellow irises.